The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence.
Why do People Lack Confidence II
Before we answer why do people lack confidence, it’s important to know what confidence is. Confidence is how much you believe in your abilities. A person with high self-confidence is often very positive and doesn’t think twice about trying new things because they truly believe that they will succeed based on their abilities. Self-confident people are often more successful simply because they take more risks and aren’t afraid to try new things. They live happier lives because they are generally more positive people. This is why it’s so important to ‘get’ more confidence. In order to do this lets start at the root.
What Causes Lack of Confidence
From the day we are born we begin to form this mental map of the world in our head. A lot of this map is generated during our first few years of our birth. We are born with no idea of what’s going on so we just sit, observe and begin to make conclusions about this mysterious world we were born into. We make these conclusions mostly based on our parents at first, and then it’s our teachers and peers. This is why when you meet people sometimes they have such radically different views about the world than you do.
When we draw this map of the world we often also make conclusions on how we fit into this world. So often times the reason why we lack confidence is because of a bad map of ourselves. A lot of low self-confidence often stems from bad role models as a child.
Say for example as a child your parents yelled at you a lot and maybe even physical abused you. If from the beginning of our life we felt like we did something wrong the way our map could be laid out is “The only way to fit in this world is to not do anything wrong. Doing something wrong is bad”. A person with this map often will try to please everyone. This person wouldn’t take risks either because the way he or she fits into this world is by ‘not doing anything wrong’. This person will live life with his head down simply because that’s the conclusion that was made when he was a child.
Maybe it wasn’t even that bad. Maybe your parents loved you but were a bit overprotective. This made you doubt your own self-reliance because your parents doubted your self-reliance. Although in this case your parent’s intentions were good it could generate a map of “I’m not good enough”. If your very first role model doubted your independence how could you possibly think your dependent?
Of course these are hugely simplified and our brains are much more complicated than just A happened so now we think B. Nonetheless, the point remains the same. Your influences as a child have a huge impact on your self-esteem and confidence as an adult.
What Causes Lack of Confidence in Adults
For some people this isn’t the case at all. Some people have been confident in the past and started to noticeably lose confidence throughout their life. What about this case? Well the reason is the same. The main problem isn’t you it’s your map of reality. You probably had a good map of reality in the past but we are always changing this map. Based on our influences, how we perceive ourselves, our self-talk, environment, successes, I could go on but this is the reason why it is so important to surround yourself with positive people and get out of that job you hate. For the most part this map is subconscious, meaning we have no idea what tweaks our brain is making to our reality.
We have no idea what affects other people’s opinions or perceptions have on us until they do. But just because we think one way doesn’t mean it is true. It’s our own reality not the actual reality. You can think you suck that’s your reality. Every single other persons reality might very well think your awesome. Guess what, when people tell you that you are awesome you might not even remember. Since this isn’t part of your reality you will actually reject these thoughts because they don’t fit in your reality of I suck. A word for this is ignorance.
There’s an amazing book called Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. In it Maltz explains how when people get one plastic surgery they end up getting more. In fact sometimes they don’t even notice any physical difference pre and post-surgery despite doctors, family and peers telling them otherwise. It’s not necessarily an addiction. The problem is that they are treating the effect not the cause. They think they look ugly so they get surgery to look prettier. The root of the problem is not ugliness – it’s a poor self-image. Getting surgery does not change your perception of yourself. Taking steroids, injecting yourself with synthol does not change your perception of yourself either.
It’s also very easy to live in happy land and assume that your reality is the correct one. But what if it’s not? What if the person I described above is exactly you – you would have no idea because you live in your own reality and I live in mine, I am essentially trying to change a part of your reality. This is why it’s so hard for people to change because we all have this one perception of reality. A simple way to tell whether your reality is hurting or helping you is to honestly ask yourself one question.
Do I remember it when people compliment me? Do you remember the negative things that happen to you or the positive things? It’s that simple. If you’re thinking about the answer to this question and all you can think about is all the negative things that happened to you. It doesn’t mean no positive things have happened to you it just means that your brain is rejecting all the positive things that happened to you and is instead focusing on the negative because deep down you think negatively about yourself.
We see and inevitably find what we’re looking for. If you’ve ever done the dancing gorilla experiment you will know exactly what I mean:
Maybe (hopefully) I crashed your reality and you’re realizing how negative you are. How to solve this? Begin paying attention to the positive things that happen to you. Begin to reframe everything as more positive. Accept other people’s reality if they help you and if they don’t, reject it. It may sound easy but it’s not always easy. It also involves leaving your comfort zone. Your comfort zone is your reality and you need to force yourself to be uncomfortable. This is self-development. Rejecting part of your reality that you don’t like and accepting other people’s reality that is more helpful so you can become a better person.
In essence this entire website is controlling this map of reality. Its controlling your self-talk, removing negative thoughts, meditation (the cleansing of the ego), forming good – positive habits, overcoming fears, controlling your emotions. This and more is all to help you build that correct map of reality. What is this correct map? That you are a badass that can do anything you set your mind to that will succeed because you expect to fail.
Have a great day!
If you need me to clarify anything or if you have any questions feel free to leave your questions below.